I am the type of person who people tend to spill their guts to whether I want to hear it or not. So, that opens it up for me to give advice here and there. One of the things I keep having to tell younger people is, pay attention to what is being said to you and more importantly, the actions of the person doing the talking.
For instance, when you share your hopes and dreams with a partner and they are fundamentally opposed to what you want, pay attention to this. If everything you ever want is always shot down by that person, are they truly your match? If you want children and they don’t, and it’s a dealbreaker for either of you; why are you attempting to make it work? The time spent with this individual isn’t wasted per se, because you can learn about yourself and what you are willing to put up with. This also teaches you on how you will or should react to situations. The problem is, when do you learn the lesson? How many times do you have to be taught the same lesson repeatedly before you say enough is enough? I’m of the firm belief that you shouldn’t wake up several years later to the realization that this isn’t working. If you have been given example after example in the matter of months, have you not seen the pattern enough? Do you really need to give the person years of your life?
A toxic work environment can also be likened to an abusive relationship. For those of us who always want to do an excellent job, not because it is demanded of us, but because we have set our standards higher than that of our peers, management or the broader organization can find ourselves in the same rollercoaster of the relationship example above. Why do we stay when you point out problems and provide solutions to only be stared at like you have five heads? Our overwhelming sense of pride and perseverance is what really keeps us moving forward, even when we are tired of dealing with the shenanigans. Lack of support or proper understanding from management to the straight DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) behavior often leaves many of us feeling like we got punched in the face, but we don’t have the physical bruises. For instance, I’ve alerted a manager that there were rumblings from the masses about a problem. No action taken. A group from the masses tells the manager the same thing months later and then all of a sudden there is this problem we need to address. I’ve literally turned to the manager in a meeting and said, “I told you about this months ago,” to be met with Pikachu shocked face.
I say all that to say this, nothing will change in either of those situations. The only thing that can change is you. You can choose not to be bothered with that relationship or work environment any longer. Put the relationship in the rear-view mirror and push on to a new, hopefully better situation. You cannot be more invested in it than the other party is. You can want it to work desperately, but if it isn’t right for you, you are hurting yourself more than anything. Wanting it to work and it actually being a good situation for you are two different things. If we are honest, we will put up with a lot for a paycheck, to keep the bills paid or good benefits, or companionship, no matter how awful the other person, so that we are not alone. But knowing why we stay doesn’t make staying the right call, it just makes it an understandable one.
I challenge people to sit with that discomfort instead of running from it. Ask yourself honestly, are you staying because it’s actually good for you, or because leaving feels scarier than staying? Because those are not the same thing, and only one of them is a good reason to keep showing up.
I’m not saying it’s easy. Walking away from a relationship you’ve invested years in, or a job that pays well but chips away at your soul a little more each day, that’s not a small thing. But comfort and rightness aren’t the same either. You can be comfortable in something that is actively hurting you, humans are remarkably good at that particular trick.
So ask yourself the hard question: if nothing changes, if this is simply how it’s going to be, can you live with that for another year? Five years? Because that’s really what you’re deciding every time you choose to stay. Not whether today was fine, but whether you’re willing to keep having today, over and over, indefinitely.
You already know the answer, most of us do. The hard part isn’t knowing. It’s what you’re willing to do about it.
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